Planning to stay all your life in those few days before going on a journey. Or in that space in january when nothing is important and you skip school just to lie in bed and feel good, dreaming about summer and going places and drinking at bars and talking about the differences between my country and your country. When you know what you’re going to have for dinner and you know who you’re going to hang out with on saturday evening. Temporary routines are the best ones. And you feel a little ashamed when you find yourself in the summer, in a foreign place, trying to enjoy the cold beer in your hand, but secretly you’re wishing with all your heart to be back in the safe space because it feels better. People exhaust you, no matter who they are. You ask them three times that evening if they have already visited the other city, because you can’t think of anything else to talk about. Cockroaches seek refuge under the bath tub and you feel the need to be cautious but you find that you’re not able to care at the moment. You drop your clothes on the warm tiles and start the shower and wonder why on earth you would go to this strange place when the water back home is way better. Going away just to come back. Suffering anxieties and separation just to feel the relief when you come back home, like a warm meal after a day of starvation. Babies are happy in their womb and scream when they’re let out, but the bossom of the mother is reassuring and confirming that there’s still a place like where they came from, all they need is faith. Placing the mirror next to your computer so you can remember what you are. Seeing other people’s insecurities and realizing they’re the same as yours, and despising and pitying and loving them for it. My eyes are so heavy lately and my head drops after sitting upright for barely five minutes. I can’t read a sentence anymore without falling out. My drawings are getting better, though. All of a sudden, I can draw perfect portraits. My dreams too have been strange, they’re so extremely casual. I dream that I’m watching episodes of my favorite tv show, or that I’m buying groceries and making dinner. Except for last night, when I dreamed about a boy I went to school with when I was thirteen. I dreamed that his parents had died and I didn’t know and he got very offended. I have never talked to him, not even when we went to the same school. He was the toughest boy in our grade, very handsome and super smart, too cool for school but he still went and got great grades. I haven’t seen him in five years but I checked his facebook last night and now he’s grown a beard and he’s playing guitar a lot and studying in the south of the country. It’s strange for me to remember so many of the dreams I have on weekdays, when I have little sleep. I’m a little excited for tonight’s dream. I’m feeling okay but somehow strange. Like there’s been something stuck in my teeth but it’s been there for so long I’ve gotten used to it and accepted that it won’t come out, so instead I’m straining my tongue so it won’t touch it and feel uncomfortable. I’m stuck in a sentrifuge. I’m stuck on a carousel where I used to ride the prettiest horse with glitter and jewels, but somewhere on the ride the carousel started to turn too fast and I got scared and crept off the horse when I was sure that no one was looking. Now I’ve crept to the edge of the carousel. I’m not thinking of getting off, but I think it’s safer to stay closer to the edge, in case something happens and I have to jump off. I’m just gonna hold tight onto the post next to me and cautiously watch the others. They’re making it somehow but I have no idea how. Maybe if I watch them long enough I’ll figure out how they handle the high speed and the tall horses. Maybe I’ll find out how they close their eyes but still see each other.